Do Tarus Dream of Existential Meat?
by Vree Miel
Summary: One taru's search for the ultimate meal. The third and final chapter is now complete!
1. Worst black mage ever

_**Do Tarus Dream of Existential Meats?**_

Special thanks to Anonda for inspiring the story, and to Genjistar and Karinastar (no relation) for helping me get the facts straight!

**Part I**

"Fire IV!" Bolotto-Totto chants, and with those few words a nearby monster's flesh is frosted with phantom flames. "Take that, you wicked wyvern!"

Bolotto-Totto defeats the Mamool Ja's Wyvern.

The scent of its burning body wafts over to Bolotto-Totto, a level 75 black mage who, like many tarutaru, lives for the tantalizing taste of spuds and sweets, fungus, veggies—anything but meats. In fact, the thought of any meaty delight would make his belly burble with disbelief and disgust. But this portly practitioner of magic possessed a particularly peculiar preference for popotoes. For Bolotto-Totto, a day without popotoes was like a red mage without Refresh, a bard without Ballad. But now, the normally sickening smell of this cooking creature seems to have snuck into Bolotto-Totto's center of hunger, and a hankering for heartier fare settled into his stomach. Suddenly, Bolotto-Totto could find no satisfaction in popotoes and pies, and he begins to dwell deliriously on his delicious new dilemma.

"Popoto, popoto…" he mumbles, waddling back and forth on his stubby tarutaru legs. The green grass of Bhaflau Thickets brushes against him, and he nearly Head Butts, Mandragora-style, a murderously close Mamool Ja Mimer. "No more popotoes…" His apparent preoccupation has plucked his attention from more pressing—and dangerous—party matters. Those rumored tales are terribly true; the grumbles of an unsatisfied taru tummy can most definitely drown the sounds of fists and swords, the magical battles of beastman hordes.

"Popoto, popoto…"

"Pssssst," Kukiki the white mage whispers, but Bolotto-Totto is so withdrawn from the waking world that he merely continues to wildly pace. "Pssst! Hey, Mr. Black Mage!"

Kukiki pokes Bolotto-Totto.

Kukiki pokes Bolotto-Totto.

Bolototto-Totto turns to face the poking tarutaru. "No more popotoes!"

"Well of course not, silly!" Kukiki exclaims, her cutesy high-pitched voice sweeter than the wild honey rumored to be hoarded in her beehive hairdo. "Popotoes won't boosty your INT! What you want is pie!" Bolotto-Totto clutches his belly while Kukiki carelessly burrows through her gobbiebag, humming happily to herself.

"Popotoes and pies! Popotoes and pies!" Kukiki ignores Bolotto-Totto's crazy cries as she casts a few crystals and crab shells aside in search of some crusty cuisine. "Awww," Kukiki sighs. "I'm freshy out of pie!" Kukiki's eyes brim over with tears.

"R-really that's quite alright! I've reached my limit. Looky here, I'm passing on pies for the next ninety years!" Kukiki pretends not to hear his pathetic pleas. She paws through her pockets for the perfect pie replacement.

Kukiki smiles warmly. "Oh oh oooooooooooh! I have just the thingy! Cookies!"

"But cookies are—" Bolotto-Totto begins to protest.

"Just what you needy! You'll get back your magic points before you can say 'More pie please!'" Kukiki interrupts, taking a moment to tend to the pending battle. "Oopsy! One seccy there, Mr. Black Mage!" She turns toward the paladin, a gallant galka in shining armor who is surely trying to protect the party, even as his hit points and magic points climb closer to zero. "Cure V!" A burst of light surrounds the galka, granting him greater chance of survival in the next round of attacks. Kukiki, now drawn in by Bolotto-Totto's dilemma, forgoes resting for the sake of food.

"Ok then! A sugary wizard cookie will sugarly hit the spot!" She hands her treasure happily over, but Bolotto-Totto simply stares. "Saaaaay, Mr. Black Mage, don't you want my cookie?" Kukiki's eyes brim over with tears.

"Popotoes and pies, popotoes and pies! Curses to the cooks who caused popotoes and pies!"

"Whoa there! Whatty are you talking about? This is a _cookie_!" Kukiki looks thoughtful. " Oooooooooooh, I see! You're waiting 'til after the skillychain so you can rest more magic points! Of course! That must be it! No taru would ever say no to a deliciously sugary cookie!"

Bolotto-Totto, barely evading the sweet sugar taste, feels a sudden, though small, sense of relief. But his brain is still baffled, and as the red mage casts Haste in preparation for the mob's demise, Bolotto-Totto's head is so cloudy with cravings that he does not pay attention to his party performing the finishing maneuvers.

"Fear the power of the beast unleashed through my feet!" cries Chaz, a dark-haired monk of hume descent. "Dragon Kick!" The Mamool Ja Pikeman stumbles back from the swift and sturdy blow as Byron, a blonde hume ranger, aims his Martial gun at the miscreant Mamool Ja.

"Feeling a little weighed down? Heavy Shot!" Byron's bullet makes its mark, leaving the Mamool mob just enough life that a well-timed black mage magic burst would procure the party a perfect victory, free of casualties. A circle of light surrounds the Pikeman, damaging him with a dazzling spectacle of the spectrum.

Bolotto-Totto, facing away from the mob, is fascinated more by famine than feats of skill. "Popoto IV!" He yells. Of course, nothing happens, nothing bursts forth, as there exists no such magical verse in Vana'diel. His party is left wondering why his words did not more closely resemble "Thunder IV" as the Mamool Ja Pikeman, weakened and wanting revenge, walks within poking distance of the ranger.

"Heal!!" cries Byron, bewildered by the sight of his own bleeding blood.

"Cure V!" Kukiki screams, the sound of her sweetness rising in pitch with proportion to the problems now posed to the party—low hit points, low magic points, and a Mamool Ja Pikeman with a pointy spear reaping revenge on a paper-armored ranger.

"Get over here, you dumb Mamool Ja Pikeman! Provoke!" The galka in shining armor fearlessly incites the foe, but the Pikeman feigns disinterest and feverishly fights the more easily damaged hume, whose hit points are hurriedly falling beyond hope of heals.

The Maool Ja Pikeman uses Firespit. Byron takes damage, turning his total hit points to the low two hundreds.

"Cure V! Heeeey I'm about out of magicky points here so you better hurry up! Mr. Black Mage, your spells will sugarly help us out!"

Bolotto-Totto, sensing at last the seriousness of the situation, summons a spell. But sadly, that one small second of his usual quick thinking was clearly clouded. He casts the first spell that comes to his mind. Unfortunately not Burst, not Blizzard IV, Blizzard III, or even Blind, which would have worked wonderously better in such a situation. No, "Warp II!" was all he could cry, with Kukiki the targeted tarutaru. Unfortunately, the party would have probably preferred another attempt at Popoto IV.

"Hey….hey wait! Mr. Black Mage, Whatty are you dooinnnnnnn" her voice trails off as she is returned reluctantly and unwillingly to Windurst.

Chaz fumes.

Byron motions angrily, but pulls off a panicked Barrage.

Byron defeats the Mamool Ja Pikeman.

"D00d…" Chaz turns to Byron, the bashed and bruised hume who happens to be the party leader. "I told u we didn't need a black mage!"

Byron shrugs. "I have a level 75 black mage, and I never miss a magic burst. And they always do like 50,000 damage. It's not my fault you insisted on inviting a n00b. Hey red mage, can I get a heal here??"

Chaz fumes. Chaz points Northeast. "Our red mage already joined another party… d00d, I told u, we shoulda made a melee party. Oh, oh, there's a bard seeking! There's a red mage in my linkshell who wants to join us. Big Unicorn," Chaz motions to the gallant galka in shining armor, "go switch to Warrior!"

"D2 please," Big Unicorn demands, ready to desert his noble deeds to deal more damage.

Bolotto-Totto sighs and selects his second target. "Warp II!" he mutters, and is soon surrounded by the magical light that leaves him washed up and wary in Windurst.

"D00d. Worst. Black Mage. Ever."


	2. Beauty is food, food beauty

**Part II**

Deliriously deposited in Windurst Woods, Bolotto-Totto wanders wearily. He wonders about the town's choice of mistletoe-y music and the decorations that deliciously resemble Christmas cookies. Had someone cast Haste on the whole of the world?

"But-" Bolotto-Totto begins to think as he bumbles through the Bomingo Round. But, indeed! Alas, he's again interrupted by a familiarly sweet high-pitched sound.

"Tarutaru, Gather Together!" comes the sugary squeak. "'Tis the Season! Clap your candy-filled hands together as the prelude to Christmas preparations begins! Watch in wonder as you seeky the spirit of the season! Tarutaru, roll in!"

Tiny taru, dearly dressed in decorative red and green garb, gather together in the center of the Bomingo Round. Each is cautiously carrying a lettered card to play their part in the pageant. Cutely confused, the taru toddlers arrange themselves so their signs say: K E A T S.

"Ah," a wise white mage whispers to Bolotto-Totto: "'_Beauty is food, food beauty', - that is all ye know in Windurst, and all ye need to know.'"_

"No!" the shrill shriek shouts, and Kukiki quickly curtseys her way over to correct the holiday display. She rearranges the wrong-way tarus, whose signs now read:

S T E A K.

Battle music begins and Bolotto-Totto belligerently throws his pocketed popotoes and pies taru-ward. He hits his marks and they're masked in smoldering smoke until they're replaced by a thick cut of uncooked steak. The steaks dance, do a jig, take steps, samba and waltz their way around the Bomingo Round.

And our hungry hero, Bolotto-Totto, promptly wakes with mouth-watering wonder. His head is no longer hazed, his judgments no longer phased. He is one tarutaru on a meaty mission.

"It's steak!"

Relishing in his revelation, Bolotto-Totto runs from his mog house, meeting Awesomefish, a fellow tarutaru, head-first.

"It's steak! It's steak!"

"Wh-what?" Awesomefish ponders if he should procure new ingredients for his profession. "You mean to say it's not hume?"

"Help me out, taru to taru! I must eat, and I must eat meat!"

"Oh-oh. Oh. Oh, of course." Awesomefish coughs. "But st-steak? Why do you want such a meticulous meat? Tiny taru teeth cannot take such a treat! Here, have a popoto…"

Bolotto-Totto swipes the unsightly treat away. "Blast the world of popotoes and pies!"

"I pr-promise you, this one is dastardly different, and oh-so delicious!"

"Popotoes and pies, they're all the same. Let's not pretend; I won't play this game! Awesomefish, your skill at cooking, whether cookies or candy or boiled cockatrice, has reached its peak. Will you cook me my meat?"

Awesomefish sighs. "V-very well then. But before I go beyond the basics of baking, tell me you will go speak with the Existential Bovine. You won't find her in Windurst, or in a mine. No, for she is a buffalo, and rather strange. To find her, you must make haste to Uleguerand Range."

"Then to the range I will go, to consult this conscious cow." Bolotto-Totto backs up into his mog house and changes his job to White Mage.

"Teleport-Vahzl!" he voices victoriously as he vanishes.


	3. Existence precedes essence

**Part III**

Bolotto-Totto successfully lands in snowy, skeletony Xarcabard and makes a mad dash towards Uleguerand Range. But alas, a distracting distraction approaches. Big, bad dragon Biast is sitting on a snow bank. Bolotto-Totto thinks about casting Thunder, but Biast is a quick thinker, and calls the taru out on his painful plan.

"My friend," Biast begins, "why do you want to fight me? Surely, a taru such as you has no need for my treasures. Perhaps you would like a cup of tea instead?" Biast takes out two cups of tea, poured perfectly into his best porcelain. He sips slurpingly and shoves the other cup at Bolotto-Totto. "Drink, drink! It's chamomile! Calming to the soul!"

"Biast - blast! You mean to tell me you take to the taste of tea?"

"Dragons have a bad reputation, I know. It's the piles of hume bones, the large pointy teeth, gleaming crimson in the snow…"

"But still-"

"The ancient horror stories, the bringing of nightmares. The fact that we're aggressive carnivores… but I digress. You and I know all of these things, but I say, can't a dragon enjoy a calming cup of chamomile tea between battles? I always wondered if I was strange, but then I had my talk with ol' Existential Bovine and everything became clear."

"You know where to find Existential Bovine? Tell me!" begs a baffled Bolotto-Totto.

"Well, if you won't have tea with me…" Biast's eyes brim over with tears. "Head to Uleguerand Range and to the northwest. You'll find her in a field of buffalo. Your life will never be the same!"

Bolotto-Totto thanks Biast and makes his hastey way away from the dragon and closer to his quested taste for steak.

Bolotto-Totto zones into Uleguerand Range and begins his buffalo-seeking mission. He sneaks himself to avoid unwanted agro and makes his way west and north. No normal buffalo will do; he must meet with the essence of bison, the Existential Bovine.

Before reaching the once-full field, Bolotto-Totto finds two former friends - Byron and Big Unicorn, but now, alas, they have turned to fiendish foes. Bodies of buffalo litter the land, and the hume-galka team are teaming up on Bolotto-Totto's target.

Big Unicorn attacks Existential Bovine.

"Wait!" Bolotto-Totto wails. "I must have words with this whale of a beefy buffalo!"

"Oh look. If it isn't Mr. Warp-Happy Black Mage," Byron bitterly sneers. "Well Big Unicorn, I guess we should just go away because Bolotto-Totto here wants us gone."

"D00d. I'm using my 2hour."

Big Unicorn uses Mighty Strikes.

"Existential Bovine, we must speak before you meet your deathly demise! Awesomefish has sent me to seek council. I am a true tarutaru, through and through. All my lucky life, I ate popotoes, and I ate pies. I was happy with my hunger solutions! I never questioned my quest for food! But lately, I must maddeningly admit, I've been bored with popotoes and pies!"

Existential Bovine momentarily turns away from battle with Byron and Big Unicorn to address Bolotto-Totto's particularly troublesome plight.

"My portly young friend, I assuredly assure you I am happy to help you dissolve your dilemma. 'Tis true, tarus have a history of hankerings for sugary fare. Nary a taru would feast on a hare. But have your hunger heed these wise words! _Existence precedes essence_. In a sense, remember, 'tis not your taste that a taru does you make. There is more, much more, to your eternal taruness. If you, a taru, choose to chomp a savory steak, surely still a taru you make. And future taru friends may perhaps one day even follow your trend."

Meddling his way into the midst of the mind-blowing speech, Byron uses Barrage. Byron defeats Existential Bovine.

"Moooooooooooo~" Existential Bovine bellows.

"Noooooooooooo~" Bolotto-Totto's eyes brim over with tears. He's torn between taking the dropped buffalo steak and lamenting the loss of his freshly barraged bovine friend.

"D00d. All he dropped was a st00pid Buffalo Steak."

"Just toss it. Worthless." Byron throws away a Buffalo Steak.

Byron uses a Warp Cudgel.

Big Unicorn waves goodbye.

Big Unicorn uses a Warp Cudgel.

Bolotto-Totto takes the steak and sticks it sideways into his gobbie bag. Feeling fully triumphant, Bolotto-Totto casts Warp. Back in his mog house, he becomes a black mage and brings the needed ingredients out of storage. Singing to himself, he slides out of his mog house to seek his favorite chef.

"W-well well there, did you meet Existential Bovine? However did you fare?"

"Awesomefish, I must thankfully thank you. Just think, I a tarutaru, will soon sink my incisors into steak! Trade!"

Bolotto-Totto trades with Awesomefish:

1 Fire Crystal

1 Bay Leaves

1 Black Pepper

1 Olive Oil

1 Rock Salt

1 Rarab Tail

And, alas, the perfect piece de resistance:

1 Buffalo Meat

Awesomefish makes 1 Bison Steak.

"Steak~" Bolotto-Totto gleefully giggles and gingerly takes the freshly cooked meat into his hands. He breathes a deep breath and savors the smell. He touches the tender steak, awaiting the moment he's been wanting.

Bolotto-Totto opens his mouth wide and sinks his taru teeth into the tough meat. Bolotto-Totto's eyes open wide. "What?" He tries to take a big bite, but his teeth can't handle it, as much as he fights. He bites and bites, he bites and bites and bites. Bite, bite, bite, fight, fight, fight. His teeth tear and itch and scratch at the strong, strong steak.

"I w-warned you, our t-tarutaru teeth are not tailored to handling such meats!"

But Bolotto-Totto will not be so quickly conquered. He brings forth the bovine briefing: "Existence precedes essence. I will eat this steak!"

In a fit of fiery, determination, Bolotto-Totto casts Flare on the piece of maddeningly inedible meat, his mistaken steaky meal that smells so tantalizingly delicious and real.

Bolotto-Totto's flustered flames engulf the seeming solution to his hungry hankering, and the remains are rare no more. No, now the non-recognizable stick of unnamable food is scorched.

Defying defeat, Bolotto-Totto sinks his taru teeth into the smoldering steak and tears straight through. He chomps on the chars. An ashy pervasive taste and a putrid penetrating stench have taken hold and broken the steak's normally meaty mold.

Bolotto-Totto's scrunched-up, squishy sour face almost says it all. Almost.

Bolotto-Totto sighs. "One… pumpkin… pie… please."


End file.
